You'll need a compass
by Cirro
Summary: Zoro considers himself "not lost" at all times. He can't say the same for everyone else.


There are a lot of things Zoro considers himself: future best swordsman, winner of all things involving an irritating cook, and the guy who's going to beat death away with a stick with sheer force of will just because he has to.

What he does not consider himself is lost. So in a way he considers himself not lost at all times. He's just where he needs to be.

And that is exactly what he is right now: not lost. The people who ARE lost are the rest of his crewmembers. They have a terrible habit of wandering away when he's not paying attention and ending up god-knows-where. And it takes Zoro AGES to find them again. Honestly, they are such troublemakers.

But the most baffling part is that they'll blame him.

"I can't believe you got lost again, Zoro." Nami will say. And then she'll hold out a hand as if he's supposed to pay her when it was clearly not his fault at all.

"I tried to fix him. I tried! Nothing works!" Chopper will wail. Zoro still has no idea what the hell the doctor's trying to fix.

"You can't fix an idiot, Chopper." The Asshole will say, lighting up one of his disgusting death sticks like it makes him COOL or something. Bastard.

And then Franky will size him up like he's making measurements inside his head, and Zoro's pretty sure that he has dreams of adding adjustments to the crew when they're sleeping. He has a feeling that Franky enjoys being a cyborg a little too much.

"Maybe we could attach a compass to him?"

Usopp will nod along like it all makes sense, Which it doesn't. He'll even add in suggestions, and the pair will start discussing schematics and a drafting sheet will be procured from somewhere. But then the sniper will sigh morosely and say,

"He'll probably just miraculously lose it too, Franky."

"Perhaps we could attach it to his swords?"

And of course Robin's suggestion will sound reasonable because they're all insane. He doesn't get lost. It's a fact of life.

Unfortunately the insane don't know they're insane, and Brook will be laughing his ass off (even though he doesn't have one anymore - skull joke!) while Luffy just grins up at him like he knows a secret that Zoro doesn't.

Zoro knows all of that will happen because it's happened too many times before. The crew really needs to get a better sense of direction because they'll complain about being separated even though it's their fault in the first place.

Such is the situation in which currently finds himself. He thinks the island they docked at is fairly boring; Just a quick stop to resupply. Well, it would have been a quick stop if the crew hadn't gotten separated. But here he was, wandering aimlessly in search of his crew. And true to his predictions, it takes a long time.

He passes by another cheery home with a white picket fence and violets hanging off the porch, noting how the buildings here are really lacking in diversity.

He trudges on, determined to at least find the docks so he can sleep while waiting for his crewmates. The task is harder than he would have thought what with everyone squeaking out nonsensical directions before running away. It was funny the first few times: glare them down and then show them a manic grin, crinkling the scar on his eye. But now it's getting highly irritating because he can't get any coherent directions from any of these wimps.

Not that he's lost, of course.

Still, Zoro's getting irritated enough that he wants to grab the nearest pedestrian and make them point in the right direction. But each time he spots a person, they immediately blanch upon seeing him and turn heel.

Rude.

He eventually makes it to the main road where a few carts are getting ready to depart. There are crates stacked on crates, sacks stuffed into any available crevice while the travelers bustle about. There's occasional yelling and barked off orders, a laugh here, a whistle there. All in all the group seems energetic and cheerful, and Zoro can't help the fondness that tugs at his lips when he thinks of his own crew, exasperating as they may be.

"Oi."

The man he addresses flinches and almost knocks over one of his companions, stumbling backward and staring at Zoro with wide eyes.

How the simple greeting could make anyone jump is beyond him. These people are clearly not suited for any kind of adventuring. When the man realizes that Zoro's actually waiting for him to speak, his mouth drops open and he stares at the swordsman blankly before fainting.

Zoro really doesn't understand how someone could live a life so frail. He didn't even do anything and the man was already down.

The fallen man attracts the attention of the rest of the group. There's complete silence for a beat and then they start panicking like they had spontaneously burst into flames. As amusing as the mental image provided by his irritation is, it does nothing to stop his fingers from twitching toward Kitetsu.

"It's a pirate!"

"We're all dead!"

"Oh my god, he has three swords."

"Is his hair green..?"

"Are you trying to provoke him?!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Great swordsman, please spare our lives!"

"I have a wife and sixteen children to look after! You have to let me live!"

Zoro can feel the vein on his forehead throbbing. Why was he always surrounded by idiots? First the lost idiots, and now the screaming idiots. He was always the sane one. It's not fair.

He lifts a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, exasperation at the insanity of the world finally taking its toll. But before he can even lift his arm, the group in front of him flinches as if he drew his swords.

Cowards, the lot of them.

He sighs and lowers his arm, though the band of weaklings don't relax at all.

"Look, can you just point me to the docks?"

Silence.

This is ridiculous. First they won't shut up and now they won't say shit. He glares at them and enunciates each word,

"Bring me to the docks."

More silence. And then one of them finally seems to remember how to use his voice.

"I think I left my stove on." he says, backing away slowly before bolting down the road.

"Ah, I….I forgot to water my plants."

The rest of the group are starting to look increasingly nervous, inching away while muttering excuses that make Zoro's patience thin into barely tolerable irritation.

He takes a deep breath before exhaling it in a whoosh.

Zoro is a man who knows his limitations, and the present situation leaves him with two options that involve surpassing those limitations. Option 1: achieve a zen-like state of peace by ignoring the fleeing morons and accepting that he is clearly the superior human specimen. He obviously doesn't need their help to find the Sunny. Option 2: achieve faster reflexes to fleeing prey by throwing propriety and caution to the wind and grabbing the nearest traveler by the collar before he escapes. After all, it wouldn't hurt to have a guide. Seeing that Option 2 is more relevant to improving his skills to becoming the best swordsman, Zoro nods silently to himself before whipping out an arm and capturing one of the babbling fools before he can flee. The rest of the group shriek in terror before scampering off into the distance but Zoro pays them no mind.

He pulls his prisoner, ahem, guide up to face him, noses almost touching. He sees the man's eyes about to roll back into his head, prompting him to shake the traveler harshly before growling, "don't you dare faint on me."

The man snaps to attention with a fearfulness bordering on hysteria.

Useless. Everyone was utterly useless.

"Point to the docks."

The man regains some of his mental abilities and nods reluctantly but doesn't make a move. He stares at Zoro expectantly, looking at the ground pointedly, his indignation at being held up by the scruff of the neck temporarily overtaking his fear. Zoro merely raises his eyebrow at the man.

"I'm not letting you escape until we get to the docks."

The man shrinks into himself, an air of resignation surrounding him. Zoro holds the man up in front of him while he points in a direction, and Zoro dutifully follows the silent instructions.

Progress at last.

When the crew finds him later with a human compass attached to his arm, they crowd around him in fascination, marveling at the first successful accessory that allowed Zoro to return in record time. The unfortunate traveler can only hope that he will be able to escape this group of lunatics who seem adamant on permanently attaching him to the swordsman's arm.

As for Zoro, this mishap only proves one thing: he is the only sane person in a world of lost idiots.

* * *

Originally posted on June 13, 2014 for the prompt: "Zoro got separated from the rest of the crew on a roadtrip and trying to hitch a ride back but no one is willing to stop for such a dangerous looking man."


End file.
